


I’ll keep on (trying)

by max_well



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Angst, F/M, Forehead Kisses, Hanahaki Disease, Lots of flowers, M/M, Multi, Pining, Polyamory, i guess i just like writing Josh all pining and in gay torture who am i, jim a good boy, josh is gay and sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-17
Updated: 2019-01-17
Packaged: 2019-10-11 12:02:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17446595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/max_well/pseuds/max_well
Summary: The flowers were a beautiful yellow, turned sickly by the small smattering of blood covering every petal. He quickly pocketed it and smiled for the chattering cameras.





	I’ll keep on (trying)

**Author's Note:**

> ok so I don’t teally know where this came from I was also feeling sad and gay and wanted to make something nice

“How did you and josh meet?”

 

Tyler chuckled, quickly swiping at his eyebrow and taking a small sheen of sweat off of it. “Well, it all started when we went to go rob the same bank…”

 

Josh chuckled and followed along, answering when needed. He looked at Tyler as he laughed, and the older man quickly held a hand to his mouth to hide the coughing. 

 

“Hey, you good?” Tyler interrupted himself to ask, which made josh want to cough more, but he didn’t. “Yeah, yeah I’m fine. We were telling the bank teller to not call the cops?”

 

The flowers were a beautiful yellow, turned sickly by the small smattering of blood covering every petal. He quickly pocketed it and smiled for the chattering cameras. Josh didn’t know why he and Tyler kept along with the joke of a million different meetings, a million different worlds. All of them ending with the two men coming together, of course. But, it was endearing, and the singer loved it. So, he clapped Tyler on the shoulder as he spoke about needing a drummer, and played his part.

 

He and Josh did not meet while robbing a bank, nor did they meet at a pet store or anywhere else. They met at a concert, and Josh fell in love with him soon after meeting him.

 

Tyler had made the stage and the music alive when josh saw him. A friend of his, Mark, had asked him to check out a new band he was working with. And Tyler did not disappoint. The tiny expanse of stage they got in the tiny venue shook with his feet and the words he was belting out of his mouth. He needed to be alive, he needed to yell, and the people here were for it. Josh had soon regretted standing near the back, he wanted to get a closer look at the man he couldn’t get his eyes off of.

 

The show soon ended, and suddenly Mark was pulling him back stage to dressing rooms and Tyler was ecstatic that Josh came and liked their music. Free CD, free shirt, free sweaty and shirtless hug that gave josh more room to imagine things than he wanted to, and he was sent off.

 

Of course, it did not end there. Josh became a frequent show goer, attended a few rehearsals to watch, quickly stepped in when Chris stepped down and was there when Nick did, too. Tyler and him became a two piece and it wasn’t long before they were hitting record charts. He remembered the look on Tyler’s face when Stressed Out came on the radio the first time, and he remembered the first time when they were given separate dressing rooms. 

 

He also remembered the first time the flowers started showing up.

  
  


It was a few months after he joined the band, and they were touring Ohio. It was in the middle of a show, but didn’t get bad until after. He and Tyler had been duo drumming, and they were sat back to back. Josh was beating the shit out of his drums, but almost dropped one of the sticks when Tyler had leaned back and left his head on Josh’s shoulder. Their ears were sandwiched together between their heads, and Josh first felt the angry pain grow in his throat.

 

The show went amazing despite the small crowd, and Josh held down his coughs until afterwards, where he immediately went and threw up in a trash can, the yellow flowers big and angry and absolutely covered from stem to petal in blood. Josh pocketed them, and went to hug Tyler like nothing happened.

 

This had been going on for a long time, it was nothing new, and despite his doctors best warnings, josh would do just about anything else in the world than rid of his feelings for Tyler.

 

-

 

He was with Debby, and he was happy. 

 

Josh sat in the audience, a bag of popcorn in his lap. Debby had invited him to the screening of her new show,  _ Insaciable,  _ and he wasn’t one to refuse. He personally cringed the whole way through it, at the romanticism of pedophilia and the invalidation of bisexuals, but didn’t say so when he met her afterwards.

 

He really thought he had been better. He hadn’t seen Tyler for a number of months, because of the album and because of his move, and even upon meeting up with him and speaking, the urge to turn to the nearest trash can and barf wasn’t present. 

 

They had gone to her hotel, he was barely behind the door when she started kissing him. Things were fine, they were. It was until he took off her shirt and put a hand on her waist that he was choking again.

 

Looking back on it, it was really funny. Debby had a strong hand on the front of his jeans and he didn’t really notice he was choking until she went to take his pants off.

 

He turned from her, going and turning to the tiny bin they usually put beside the bed, and he hacked and he hacked. Debby was afraid, asking him what was wrong and rubbing his back. He tried to hide the flowers, he really did, but she saw them before he could put them away.

 

“Oh, dear.” She said soothingly, she helped him sit on the bed, and suddenly josh was crying. “Who are those for, sweetheart?” Josh shook his head, he was so tired.

 

She picked one of them up, trying to keep blood off her fingers and failing. “They’re really pretty,” she said, “Yellow.”

 

Josh put his shirt back on in shame. “I don’t t-think you would like the answer.” He was trembling, not looking in Debby’s direction because he knew he would only think of Tyler and he knew he would start coughing again.

 

“Who is it, honey?” She asked again. She touched his thigh, but it was no longer sexual. He tried to feel something other than the urge to pull away.

 

“It’s-“ he broke off again into another sob, almost coughed again, before saying. “They’re for  _ Tyler _ .”

He waited for Debby’s hand to fall away, for her to be disgusted, but she wasn’t.

 

“I think I’ve known that, dear.” He coughed and dropped more flowers. They were getting bigger. He ignored it. “You should go to him, Josh.”

 

“I can’t, Jenna-“ he started, speaking fast. So so fast, but Debby still beat him. “I think she’d understand, I know she would. I don’t want you suffering anymore,” She was to kind, and he knew that. She didn’t even seem hurt at discovering his feelings for his fellow band mate. “Thank you, Debby.”

 

She only smiled, the dark lighting of the room still made her shine, made her look like royalty in her lace bra, and despite all these things, he still didn’t want her. 

 

“Go to him,” she said, and he shucked his pants back up before leaving the room.

 

-

 

He already had a ticket to Ohio, it had been preplanned way before Debby or most of the album, Tyler and Josh were to meet up before the drop date of Trench (it was always October, planned down to the dot) and finish up. So even after his confrontation with Debby and the show, he stayed in his house, only leaving for training and to shop.

 

_ It wasn’t long before he had to leave _ , he told himself. It was true. By that Friday he was to fly out to Ohio. He packed and repacked his suitcase, afraid of leaving something or packing old clothes. If he was to tell Tyler (and he  _ had to he had to he had to- _ ) he needed to be as presentable and possible, as likable as possible.

 

Easier said than done, but he was depending on it.

 

-

 

“Josh!” Tyler had yelled rather excitedly. They were FaceTiming, and Josh couldn’t help but laugh at the angle the singer had been holding the phone. It showed Josh a chin up view of Tyler’s tan face, which he didn’t hesitate to screenshot. “Hey, Tyjo.”

He felt warm, so warm. “Are you ready for your flight?” Tyler settled on his couch, fiddling with his apple earbuds. 

 

“Yeah, I’ve gone over everything a million times, if I forget anything I’ll be so pissed,” Tyler laughed, so Josh laughed. “I’m so excited to have you here, and to finish this album. It’s gone on for to long,” Tyler said, and Josh admired his lips. “Yeah, I definitely miss your long hair, though,” the drummer missed his long hair too, if he was being honest.

 

“You definitely wouldn’t. Trust me, I didn’t wash it for like, what, two weeks before I got it shaved?” He pensively ran his hand through the short expanse of his hair. “I should probably get rid of this beard, though.”

 

“You call that a beard?” Josh teased, and Tyler playfully bristled. “Hey, it’s a beard!” He defended it weakly. “Just stringy, ‘s’all.” He laughed again, so Josh laughed again. He needed to be charming.

 

The drummer was about to go on, but suddenly Jenna was there. She leaned down, asking who Tyler was talking to, before kissing him on the mouth. Josh heaved, suddenly dropping his phone on his bedroom floor, and spewing up flowers faster than he could deal with. 

 

He heard panic radiating from his phone, both Tyler and Jenna yelling for him and his crappy little apple microphone caught the sound of his coughing. He ran an hand over the string of blood hanging on his lip (there was still petals in it, in fact, his lips were covered in them. He must’ve coughed up half a bouquet on the floor). He crawled pathetically over to the phone, after ensuring he was completely devoid of flowers and mostly devoid of blood. 

 

“‘M sorry,” he slurred as he picked up the phone. Josh noticed Tyler took out his headphones, and Jenna had her phone out as if she was prepared to call the police from several thousand miles away. “‘M fine, and I’m okay. Just sick,”

 

“Josh, you sounded like you were dying!” Jenna insisted. “You were choking!”

 

“I’m sorry we weren’t able to talk much,” Josh said, and that was genuine. She was so kind, so amazing, he could never hate being around her. “But I have to go now.”

 

“Josh-“ Tyler started, frenzied, afraid, but Josh pressed the end call button before he could go on. Tyler re-called him immediately, but he let it ring, and observed the large pile of flowers on the floor. He picked up a particularly large one, having three buds on it and a stem. 

 

Josh scowled at it, opening the bottom drawer of his desk and quickly scooping all of the petals and flowers and shit into it, before closing it. Observing his carpet, he had made it to the trash can in time to avoid getting blood on it. Josh briefly thought of Jim, wondering why he hadn’t ran to Josh in a panic (he was probably outside), before bursting into tears. He couldn’t ignore it anymore.

 

It was getting worse.

 

-

 

Josh had been thinking and sitting all morning. Sat in thought in the taxi, thought as he waited to board and thought as he sat down in first class on his plane. He had woken up early that morning, gave himself a proper shave and chose out his best casual (but formal) clothes. It had been awhile since he had wore the floral button up, and it looked a tad strange with his dark hair, but it was the best he could come up with. This morning he had been thinking about how he could get through this next week, and how to tell Tyler about his feelings. 

 

He needed to be respectful, but he also had to come up with a back up plan for when Tyler rejected him and his stupid flowers decided to make an appearance. Josh couldn’t let him know about that. So, Josh sat, and he thought about what to do.

 

-

 

The drummer had both his bag and his dog in his hands as he walked off the terminal, eyes scanning his bright surroundings. The airport was small, but nice. Josh had a brief moment of panic, thinking Tyler had forgot or went against their plans and left him alone to the airport, but it quickly subsided as he noticed the large sign, calling for “Jishwa Billiam Dun.”

 

“Josh!” Tyler yelled, dropping the obnoxious sign into his wife’s hands before going and hugging him, hard. “I was so worried about you, dude!” Tyler continued. Josh got a strong wiff of his cologne and of just Tyler in general, and he already had to fight the urge to give the singer a surprise delivery of flowers.

 

“Hey,” he said casually, trying to wrap his hands as best he could around his best friend with all of his luggage. He then turned and hugged Jenna, who was waiting for him. “Hey, love!” She was always so kind to him, he half hugged her sincere.

 

“Let’s go home, J. We got the guest room ready for you and Jenna made you some dinner.” Tyler grabbed Jim’s leash, trying to assist. “She made chili, hoping to clear your sinuses out a bit.” He finished, and lead the trio out of the airport.

 

As much as Josh loved LA and his new home, you could never beat Ohio. The place was beautiful, and he always felt a strong sense of belonging when he was in the state. And he always got a sense of belonging with Tyler.

 

Speaking of Tyler, Josh was doing a pretty good job of making small talk. The couple seemed very happy to see him, and Josh did a good job of pretending to not notice Tyler looking him up and down from the front seat ( _ it’s only what you want to see- _ ). 

 

Dinner was pleasant and the chili was fantastic. He said so, and Jenna was very pleased. “I’m glad you like it! I was trying out something new,” Tyler was pleased that she was pleased. Josh swallowed down his nerves.

 

-

 

“This is you, J.” Tyler opened the door from the hallway, and revealed the humble little bedroom. The actual bed was tucked into a corner, a bedside table next to it. “Closet is to your right, and the bathroom is the second door next to it,”

 

Josh led himself in, trying not to cough. “It’s awesome, thank you Tyler.” He set his things next to the dresser, to put away later. “No problem!” Tyler leaned in the doorway. “Only the best for you.”

 

( _ Should he do it now? He doesn’t know, maybe after the album? Should he tell Tyler and Jenna at the same time???-) _

 

Tyler was about to leave, conversation mostly ended, just missing a goodbye. He started turning, and josh was about to speak out,  _ wait wait _ , before he actually started coughing.

 

Josh leaned over and heaved, he heard the pitter patter of Jim’s paws on the hardwood floor. His dog turned into him, trying to get Josh to lay on his side and in more of a comfortable position. 

 

Josh’s ears were ringing, ringing. He barely saw Tyler walk over and crouch, trying to asses, trying to help out. Josh didn’t even have enough energy in him to cover his mouth, and suddenly he was being held.

 

“Oh my goodness josh. You’re okay, I promise, I promise. Shh, it’s okay, I’ve got you.” Tyler was talking to him, cradling his head, and his chest swelled, he felt a whole lot worse as he physically felt the flowers start filling his lungs.

 

He shoved, hard, pleading stop stop please it hurts, Tyler. Jim once again took his place next to him, and Josh finally felt himself start calming again.

 

It took a few minutes for his vision to unblur, and a couple more for his breathing to steady itself. Jim whined, and then he was looking at Tyler. He looked like he just saw a ghost, and Josh realized that only reason was because of the massive amounts of flowers on the floor. Sickly yellow and sweet, whole flowers had made it out, no longer just buds and petals. His hand trembled as he brought it to his lips, he realized once again his mouth was coated in blood and flowers, looking like some sort of tainted lipstick.

 

“Tyler-“ he tried, his voice so hoarse and thick with sick. “Josh,” Tyler had tears brimming his eyes. He looked down at the blood and yellow on his shirt, and back at Josh. “Who are these for?”

 

That was always the question. Asked by his doctor, Debby, everyone who knew always fucking asked  _ who is it who is it who is it that is killing you as we speak, Josh?  _

 

“That’s n-none of your concern,” Josh tried again, he tapped Jim’s head, signaling him to give him space. “It’s all of my concern, Josh! My best friend just coughed up fat yellow flowers on my hardwood.” Tyler looked a mix between angry and worried. 

 

There were hurried footsteps out in the hallway, and suddenly Jenna was in the room. “I heard coughing-“ she cut herself off at the sight of the angry flowers, Josh collapsed on the floor and the blood on Tyler’s shirt.  “Oh my god.”

 

“He has hanahaki,” Tyler said miserably, and it was then Josh noticed the tears in the singers eyes.

 

“Josh, sweetie, who is it?” She asked, concerned. She spoke softly, as if afraid to break the heavy silence.

 

“It’s no one!” He snapped, curling in on himself a little, the urge to cough again was already back, he could feel the angry buds, they were enraged, they almost felt like they were vibrating. Like this was the moment of truth and this was the second before they thrived or died.

 

Jenna got close, closer than Tyler, she held his hand and he cried. He was so tired, and he just wanted out. He wanted the album and the tour over with and he just wanted to go hide in his stupid room with his dog and ignore the world.

 

“Josh, sweetie.” She rubbed his knuckles, being soothing. Always soothing. “Maybe we can help, please tell us who it is,” 

 

Tyler had tears down his face, looking distraught. Jenna motioned to him and he scooted closer. Josh closed his eyes. “Please, J.” Tyler pleaded, his voice cracked. “You wouldn’t like the answer.” 

 

That’s always what he said too. To his stupid doctor and Debby and everyone who knew. He was utterly in love with his married best friend and he was going to die because of it, sooner or later.

 

Then Tyler was touching him. Cradling him again, and he wiped some of the petals off of Josh’s chin. The drummer opened his eyes again, and Tyler was leaning over him. So so sincere, he looked scared. “I’ll accept who ever it is, Josh. I promise.”

 

With tears in his eyes and blood on his lips, Josh trembled and said, “It’s you, Tyler. It’s been you all along, since I’ve-“ and then he was breaking down, and Tyler was hugging him. He felt broken yet secure. For once in a long time, he couldn’t feel the flowers in his lungs.

 

“Should we tell him?” Jenna started, her hand still resting on his. He grew confused, why wasn’t Tyler pushing him away? He stated this. “Well, there’s just no reason to, honey.” Tyler said, pulling away to look Josh in the eyes and help him sit up a bit.

 

“But-“ Josh all but wailed. A deflating feeling filled his chest, and his throat cleared.

 

“Joshua, baby.” Jenna said, she smiled. “It was a few months ago, but me and Tyler had a conversation.” She intertwined their fingers. “He came to me, feeling guilty as ever, and he said he missed you so much. He said he still had feelings for me but he was thinking and he knew, he had some for you too. He was in love with you, actually. He felt so so bad.”

 

“But we talked, and came to an agreement.” The singer spoke up. “She knew I’m not me without you, J. And she said when you came around, I could tell you. I could tell you and we could share.” Tyler reached into his pocket, and pulled out a much smaller, pink bud. “This was from today. I thought you wouldn’t want me and I’d have to get surgery.”

 

“I would never do that. I would never want that for you,” Josh stated, suddenly feeling panicked. “That’s one of the most awful and invasive procedures ever.”

 

“I know, but that was part of the agreement. If you didn’t want me, I’d have to get it done. She didn’t want me dying.”

 

“I could never loose my muse,” Jenna piped up. She looked just as sorrowful talking about the surgery as the two of them. “And I couldn’t loose you either, Josh.”

 

Josh sputtered, unsure of what to say. “So you, y-you want me?” Tyler nodded, laughing almost and smiling so large it reached his eyes. “More than ever, dear.” He leaned down and pecked Josh’s temple. “We both do.”

 

The drummer felt a surge in his chest, but it was unlike the ones he had been feeling in the past few years. It was emotional, and it was happy. 

 

He sat up a bit more and his fingers found the front of Tyler’s shirt, and he pulled slightly. “Can I?” The singer nodded, and met Josh halfway, both of them grinning into the sweet kiss.

 

The last of the flowers died as he crawled into Tyler’s bed, settling in as Jenna and the man himself settled around him. He felt loved, safe. He chuckled as Jim made his way into the end of the bed, making himself at home. Tyler turned, facing towards Josh, protective, and kissed him one last time. “Sweet dreams, Jishwa.”

 

Josh smiled, curling into Tyler and feeling content as Jenna reached over him.

 

All is well.

**Author's Note:**

> Congrats, you made it through that mess. I love u all


End file.
